Cornered

Cornered

October 19, 2016 0 By Fabian

This is conversation comprising of B, O and F takes place on Sunday October 16 on The Dug Out WhatsApp group between 2145h and 2342h. We weren’t discussing trivia like Justice Maraga’s vetting, CS Matiang’i and his purge of education officials in Siaya county or even Donald Trump’s latest controversy. No, none of that. We were engrossed in a matter of life and death which was the corner count in the Chievo-Milan Serie A match at the Bentegodi. It was lit, but don’t take my word for it. See for yourself how it went down.

 

The match kicks off at 2145h. Now this is the final match in our betslips for the day. All the other three bets have gone through; Sassuolo and Anderlecht winning against Crotone and Lokeren while the Inter-Cagliari match produced 16 corners, well over the minimum 11 we hoped for. This is it. It boils down to these 90 minutes. O and F need 10 corners while B needs 11.

 

2146h – B: Hii AC ni ufacken. I can’t even recognize anyone. (B alludes to the rather unfamiliar look    of the Rossoneri, lots of strange faces)

F: El Prezidente Massimo Moratti arude works. (Yes, that’s me going off topic reminiscing over the good old days under Moratti’s Inter)

O: Milan are heavily transitioning. (O gives B an explanation about the state of Milan)

 

2147h – B: Chievo wako jugular. (Yeah, they’ve started like a house on fire)

 

2148h – B: I’m excited. (Aren’t we all?) End to end stuff.

O: Chievo win. (O’s assessment of matters following that blistering start)

B: 2 minutes na kona hajatoka. Facken. (Early frustrations creeping in)

 

2149h – O: Hapa zitakuwa 20. (O’s optimism is off the charts!)

F: Milan shitcunts slowing down the game. 1 (Corner number 1 is in)

 

2150h – B: 1.

F: The Lord’s work is underway. (I couldn’t help it)

O: Calm down mtafanya tukulwe. (O in a desperate attempt to be unmoved by that ice-breaking first corner)

B: Loved it when that winger went outside instead of cumming (deliberate) inside. Sorry lads. (Yeah, you should be)

F: 2. (Another one)

 

2151h – O: This Chievo kit is the ugliest I’ve ever seen. (Maybe he’s not seen every Adidas kit of this season)

 

2152h – B: Have you had a look at the mirror? (Gloves are off)

 

2153h – O: Have you? (Punch for punch. I love it!)

B: Of course.

O: Tako ya samaki. (Something about a fish’s backside)

F: CROSS THE BALL YOU CUNT!!! (Yeah, I’m getting impatient)

 

2154h – F: Directed at Chievo left back.

B: 3.

F: 3.

 

2156h – F: Sasa hii ni nini Milan wanacheza? Ffs. (They’re just kicking about the ball in their own half)

O: The game has descended into a lull. Nakulwa. (O can’t help but cry about this being a lost cause)

 

2157h – B: Tulia. Twat. (B’s way of saying ‘calm down’)

F: Niang badala ya kupigisha ball kwa msee anailose. Stupid man. (Mbaye Niang in his excruciatingly annoying self)

B: Wanauza Kimbo kwa hoardings. (Yes, ‘Kimbo’ flashed across the stadium’s advertisement board. Whether it’s the same Kimbo cooking fat we have over here, we can’t confirm)

O: Muse – Panic Station. (To soothe the heart, I assume?)

 

2158h – O: Kimbo. (He saw it too)

F: Ndo mnaona hiyo Kimbo? (I can’t believe they were only seeing it on the hoardings for the first time)

 

2159h – O: Hii ni Kimbo tunajua ama nini? (Probably not). Ffs ona Milan ati inabuild up. (So frustrating, Milan’s slow build up play)

 

2200h – B: Bonaventura Kuma. (Well, just to be clear, the player is Giacomo Bonaventura)

 

2201h – F: Montella amereprogram hawa wasee. Moving the ball more centrally. Ingekuwa Mihajlovic they’d be bombing down the flanks. (I guess, I miss Sinisa Mihajlovic’s Milan)

 

2202h – O: Moto ya Chievo imeisha. (O making the observation that Chievo have stepped off the pedal)

 

2203h – B: Refa ni twat. (The referee isn’t spared by B’s ire too)

 

2205h – O: Nakulwa. (He loves to moan a lot, this guy)

B: Hapa unaweza dhani hii team in yellow ndo iko na countless CL medals. (Apparently you’d be forgiven for mistaking Chievo as being the club with all those Champions League titles Milan has)

 

2206h – O: I’m losing all my life’s savings!! Everything!! (Yep, it is this serious)

B: On what? Corners? (Rubbing it in, aye?)

 

2207h – O: Tako la samaki. (Again this obsession with fish’s behinds)

F: Hii left back ya Chievo anataka kiboko. (I have major beef with this guy)

 

2208h – B: Fuckin Niang. (It’s not what you’re thinking)

O: Hata hii shoga ya right back haezi block cross?! (Sometimes a right back just won’t block the ball out of play when you desperately need him to)

 

2210h – F: Abate amekataa kuoverlap. Blinking idiot. (With all that pace to burn, Ignazio Abate chooses to underlap, always. What a waste!). 4.

B: 4.

O: Get in. (Relax, the fourth corner is already in, mate)

B: Grandisimo (Don’t be fooled. He’s just throwing about Italian words he’s overheard on Rai International)

F: Floro Flores doing some splendid work. (He did well to force the corner)

O: Air fuck almost close. (Whatever that is)

 

2211h – O: Milan pia walete. (Yeah, up to now, Chievo have 4 corners, absolutely zero from Milan)

F: Donnarumma sasa anajidai nini badala ya kupunch ball nje. (My horror as Milan goalie Gianluigi Donnarumma opts to claim the ball rather than punch it out)

 

2212h – O: Both of us get paid. Si ati hatalipwa. (O wondering why Donnarumma had to be mean with corners even though he’ll be paid either way)

 

2213h – F: Fucking hell. De Sciglio and Abate are under instructions to stay put. (The only logical explanation for the Milan full backs being ultra conservative)

2214h – F: Montella you’re getting sacked in the morning. (Yes, Milan coach Vincenzo Montella has to pay for his anti-corner tactics)

B: Kuchka ni nani? Fuckin hell. (He keeps hearing the name being mentioned, I guess)

 

2215h – F: Juraj Kucka. (As always, I coming to the rescue, confirming that it is indeed a Milan player with that name)

 

2216h – F: Lapadula amegusa ball kweli? (I swear in those 30 minutes, Milan forward Gianluca Lapadula was just moving about)

 

2218h – B: Hapa najua tu keeper, Abate, Niang na Bacca. (B displaying his impeccable knowledge of the Milan squad)

 

2219h – O: Lads this is not good. (Mr Caution strikes again)

F: Hujui Milagnoli? (Wondering if B didn’t know this player too. Of course it’s Alessio Romagnoli). Tulia. We need one more corner in this half. (Trying to be positive, that we’re still on track)

 

2220h – O: Analysis from Stephen Hawking’s lab extrapolates that on current progress, Milan will have 1 corner and Chievo 4, so 9 in total. (O going all Sheldon Cooper on us. Turns out he wouldn’t be all that way off the mark)

 

2221h – O: Suso ni kucut inside. (And Suso would do this all match instead of going wide)

 

2224h – F: Should have fucking crossed!!! (Totally)

 

2225h – B: Celta wanakula mti. (B taking time off to check the goings on in the La Liga match between Villarreal and Celta Vigo. The visitors are on the end of a major shellacking)

 

2226h – B: 5. Feck. Throw in. (Got too excited, mistook a throw in for a corner)

 

2229h – O: Celta!

 

2230h – O: Chievo na hii bus yao! (The home side decide to take things at a more manageable pace)

B: Inverted wingers aren’t good for business. (We probably knew this, but we’d learn the hard way)

 

2231h – B: Kucka. (He now has a better understanding of the Slovak after his belter of a goal to make it 1-0 for Milan)

O: Feck.

B: Grandissimo. (It was grand, alright)

F: Bad news. (And no, not because I’m a Chievo fan)

 

2232h – O: Chievo wataleta corners sasa. (He thinks Chievo will force the issue…and the corners)

B: Chievo italeta zote. (Echoing for effect)

O: This is a good thing. Desperate crossing about to begin. (Plausible, but…)

 

2240h – F: Would have been better news if Chievo had scored. (I mean, Milan would have to get out of their shells, right?)

 

2242h – O: I see them doing that Klopp thing sasa. (What thing? Celebrating wildly like a pig on steroids?)

 

2243h – O: Yenye walianza nayo. (The pressing, I assume)

 

2245h – O: Btw mbona hakuna ultra groups England? (They exist, trust me)

 

2246h – O: Zingetoa Rooney kitambo. (Rooney’s position as football’s number one persona non grata doesn’t seem under threat, does it?)

B: When did being a football hipster start? (Asks football’s biggest hipster with a straight face)

 

2247h – O: Football hipster ni nani? (Facepalm moment, this)

 

2249h – B: Mtu wa kusupport team sio his main team. (Alas!). Yenye sio akina Madrid, Barca etc. (Clarification makes it even vaguer). I remember supporting Villarreal in 05-06. (Last season he was a Rayo Vallecano fan)

 

2250h – O: Marcos Senna and co. (Reminisces)

B: Juan Pablo Sorin with his flowing locks at right back. (Eerm, he was a left back)

O: Riquelme. (Ah, the great midfield conductor)

F: Rodolfo Arruabarrena. (Anyone remember him?)

 

2251h – B: Marcos Senna anchoring. Arruabarrena.

F: Feck. Niang scores. (Another goal for Milan, like a dagger through our hearts)

O: Chievo manze! (News hitting hard)

 

2252h – F: Hawa wasee wanafungwa the same way. (Uncanny, the two goals Chievo conceded)

B: Niang FFS! (I hear you brother)

F: Would it kill Niang to go wide and force a corner? (Instead he just scores. Useless!)

 

2253h – O: Milan blacklisted. (Approved)

 

2254h – N: (One of us from the group) That’s long overdue buda.

O: I wish ungekuwa unaona ushoga inaendelea kwa hiyo field.

 

2255h – B: Anderson aliweka teammate ngumi. (B trying to deflect from the malaise going on with Anderson’s violent antics in Brazil)

O: Legend huyo. (O definitely approves)

 

2256h – B: Champions League winning midfielder. (Allegedly). 5.

F: 5. (Corner number 5. 5 to go)

 

2257h – O: Milan waanze kuleta manze. (They aren’t listening, sadly)

 

2258h – F: Suso cunt. (Again and again)

 

2259h – B: Imekataa. Birsa. More like bitch. (Don’t know if that was meant to be a compliment to Valter Birsa or otherwise)

O: Keeper wa Chievo naye si apunch nje?! (A plea to Stefano Sorrentino for his intervention)

 

2303h – F: 6.

 

2304h – F: Yaani we’re having to rely on deflections from wild shots? (Yep, it has come to that)

 

2305h – O: Plain suffering. (The whole ordeal summed up perfectly)

 

2307h – B: 7.

 

2308h – F: 7.

O: Yees! (Excitement building up)

B: First contribution from that cunt. (Suso’s first shot to go out for a corner)

F: Suso is so fucking annoying. (That corner couldn’t make up for his transgressions)

O: Stephen Hawking’s lab: 1 corner every 9 minutes. (Timely update from the night’s resident Dr Sheldon Cooper)

 

2310h – B: Facken.

O: Fochs sek keeper toa nje. (Tension rising)

F: Huyu sub wa Chievo amevaa number 1. (Yeah, a Chievo outfield player is wearing jersey number 1. Is that allowed?)

 

2312h – O: Lapadula atolewe. A footballer being paid millions should at the very least be able to control a football. Mbuzi koko. (O with a scathing indictment of Adriano Galliani’s transfer acumen)

 

2314h – B: Bloody cunt. (B agrees)

F: 8.

O: 8.

F: De Sciglio doing the Lord’s work. (Finally! Though maybe too little, too late)

 

2315h – B: Jose Sosa OK. (Sosa comes on)

O: C (Another of the group) bado anangoja corner sita. (C would always stake for abnormally huge corner counts)

F: Tisa. Aliweka over 16.5. (I am guessing that’s what he hoped for)

 

2316h – O: Hii cockiness ndio itafanya tuliwe. (O calling for humility)

 

2317h – F: Maze. Cunts wakatalie na hizo corners mbili hizi twenty minutes. (There is a real possibility that the remaining 20 minutes will fail to produce the 2 corners we need)

O: Mocking resumes after work is done.

F: Ona Suso. Abate ameoverlap poa then anarudisha ball nyuma. (This Suso guy!)

 

2319h – B: Annoying little shit. (Accurate)

 

2320h – F: Niang na style yake moja ya kuchenga. Embarrassing us Africans. (Not entirely true. He’s French or whatever)

B: Montella was lit in FIFA 2002. (Well…he was decent at Roma)

O: Feck.

F: Yaaaaaas!

B: Birsa.

 

2321h – B: Tunakula. (Renewed optimism)

F: Birsa goal. (Cue the excitement)

O: Siweki Milan tena. (O reiterating his newfound apathy for Milan)

 

2323h – O: Hiyo sasa ni crossing gani? (Must be pretty poor, eh?)

 

2324h – B: Early.

O: This is not looking good. (Agony resumes)

F: Kumbe ni De Guzman ndo amevaa number 1? (Yes, Jonathan De Guzman)

 

2325h – B: Feck.

O: Saa inaenda. (Tough times)

 

2326h – O: Hizi fouls zinakula time. (Classic gamesmanship when you want to run down the clock)

 

2330h – B: 9.

F: One more.

B: 2. (He was too ambitious. Went for Over 10.5)

O: Saa ya nyani kukufa imefika. (Hilarious)

 

2332h – B: Fuuuuuuck.

 

2333h – O: Seriously.

B: Bonaventura Kuma.

 

2334h – B: Apate ACL. Kuma. (B taking out his frustrations on poor Giacomo)

O: Si wacross ball? F amepata heart attack. (Under the circumstances, that wouldn’t be too far-fetched)

 

2335h – O: Kuna ile last ditch corner ya keeper kukuja kufunga.

 

2338h – O: Chievo can’t string two passes together. (It is dire)

 

2339h – F: Ffs.

O: Fucks sake.

B: Hilarious goal. (A pity we can’t enjoy Milan’s third goal)

O: Kuoga.

F: Badala ya ball itoke nje, inaingia. (Why didn’t the ball just trickle past the post and out for a corner?)

B: Just like that we’ve hilariously lost.

O: Milan blacklisted. (For the umpteenth time)

B: I’m dying laughing.

 

2340h – Y: (Also from the group) Laleni bana.

B: Nimezima tv by putting a boot through it. (Uhm, we’d need photographic evidence for clarification)

O: Chievo si ni mashoga!

Y: Mtu anaweka own goal badala apatie lads corner ya mwisho. (Can you imagine?)

 

2341h – O: One corner in the last 20 minutes. (O reflects)

F: Second time this season Milan wamenideny one corner.

2342h – Mtu anafunga badala ya kutoa ball nje. What’s football becoming?

 

Indeed, what’s the game becoming? We were so close! Anyway if you thought the thrill is in the goals only, probably we’ve proven you wrong.