April 11, 2015 By Victor Mwangi
“Hi, my name is Victor and I am a football addict…”
*waits for response*
(5 minutes later and no response)
Ffs! Not that I expected any of you to respond, but it hurts. But why should I blame you; you probably have no idea who I am, leave alone what The Dug Out (TDO) is. Therefore, allow me to introduce myself properly, probably not in a gentleman’s fashion but it will do.
My name is Victor and I am a football addict, as you are, if you are currently logged into our website. We are The Dug Out. Kenya’s premier football website (ignore any rumours goal.com may or may not have told you about us) and we are here to kick some serious ball. But that of course means you need to have the ball(s?) to either make a pass, a through-ball, a cross, just something that can effectively be recognized as a move in a sport. You see, we aren’t your typical sports page. We encourage interaction, movement, passion, love for the game. That is the TDO’s motto. Fabian, take note. I am here introduce you to the best and sometimes most worthless pundits in the game.
The TDO team has a total of 37 self centred, immature, whatever else that’s foul that you can imagine of members. Fabian leads the pack. A former boy who’s recent acquisitions in German-style leadership have made his head so full with emotion and passion he doesn’t care about the remaining 36 of us. Then there’s the Box – a legitimate boxtroll if you watched the movie. He will insult you and let you know how much of a good team member you are by constantly retweeting your football related tweets- which I am guessing is close to zero ‘coz he’s never once retweeted yours. He is also fat and has a bulging belly. Some members here call it a disgusting word, the Kitambi, which belonged to a former soldier here.
Then there’s the ladies! Kardashian (we just call her that coz she’s apparently very.. I.I.. Haven’t met her yet but she’s supposed to be my third wife), Mumbua, Dedow’s taller friend, Shira, whom I don’t really know much about, Bobo, who’s funny occasionally and Cheppy, whom Fabian seems to have a liking to but like the End of Days, doesn’t materialize. Then there’s Cindy. Cindy. Cindy. Please change your WhatsApp pic.
Ah, Bifturh and Shiro. When you’re done fighting over who’s wife number one and two, please let me know. Kardashian might overthrow both of you any time from now.
As for the rest, the beasts, the self proclaimed idiots, there’s Okaka, who’s trademark is a set of cartoon eyes available on WhatsApp that once trended overnight, Brian, who’s got more brawns than Brain and Eujah, our current ball boy who thinks we care he lost a fortune over some Man City game. ITK, we don’t know where you rank. Manywele, well, he’s our hairy potter, fraudster that can’t perform any hair spells. Sorry ladies. Ibra, Yobran, Anto, Festo, Gor, Larry and Syl are our guns for hire. Provide them with sufficient Sport Pesa money and they will always be on your side. Always. No pun intended. Dedow falls short. It is rumoured if he shaves and the barber gives his hair a cut, that’s considered a shortcut. Sorry, low blow. Dedow I will NOT stoop DOWN to your level and make fun of you tonight. I keep falling SHORT of jokes to describe you. Lower blow?
Obwaka, Ngaithe and Tukei are unemployed as far as we know but they are trying to confuse our enemies; some with new laptops and iPhone 6s. The rest, we just can’t be sure about… kina Oyatsi, Judith, Winnie, Snave, Majax and Maitha… whatever happened to your madness?
Anyway, We love you all and invite you to the TDO family. Football. Is. Life.
*Still waiting for you to respond*
FFS! Someone’s under sieke here!